What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 01:42
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was very sick at this time too.
All the time i was locked up.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My family never makes their pension either.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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We all went to grammer schools
Why did i forgive my father ?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I think the readers, may guess!
How much of lounge pianists playing is from repertoire, and how much is improvised?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I don,t even have a pension.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why are Capri cigarettes so expensive?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was scared of men, in general
As i do to all so called friends.?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Can you name a female actress who has had bad timing or luck in her film career?
I waited trembling.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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I was seconnd youngest,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
What did i know ?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And i lived it daily.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She married twice! .
I couldn’t, believe it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I write beautiful poetry .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So whats the point in blame.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We were not on the streets..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I have no regrets .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
It was going to be , some day.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Ive learnt so much.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She found it foreign!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She wouldn,t have been !
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Especially a lifetime of it.
This is soul school!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My life is so biszare .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im still living with it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was 9 years of age.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Was to survive, this bastard.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Put me off passion for life!!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She was in good health!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She loved him until the end.
I will be 64.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Would this be the day?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But, we were locked up after school.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He knew the spot.
One cannot live in the past .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Comes on , in middle age.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I said to her
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But ive been too sick for many years..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So, i spoilt her more .
(And it was in our own minds.)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But it wasn’t much.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
When she asked me how she looked .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Who then, do I blame.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?